Hypocrisy
One of the hardest aspects of parenting is instilling on the child the reality that while the parent has privileges he will not give to her, there is still an underlying fairness to your authority that insists that the standard you insist on your child is less stringent than the standards you put on yourself.
For those who want a great example, head on over to
and read this excellent piece. It reminds me of one of my cousins who played High School football for neighboring town. He laughed how the head coach was a really big guy and his hijinks. This isn’t out of the ordinary for football coaches to be large, but this guy took it to the next level. During practice, the sun and standing would prove too much for him so he would sit down and recline on the blocking pads, directing the team on the next drill, all the while complaining that they weren’t working hard enough, and he doesn’t like slackers.In my football experience, my head coach was a thin, rough man who would give up everything to put on pads again, and often demonstrated proper blocking technique with a ferocity that put our toughest linemen to shame. He was a man in command. It doesn’t take much thought to whom more respect is given when coach is out of hearing range, as well as who will get more loyalty and relentless effort.
The golden rule should be that you can do what you demand of your child, and more, but this hits practical roadblocks when one is in his forties and not in the prime of youth anymore, and has to work 40+ hours a week on top of all the house chores. It becomes hard to keep up. You’re going to find your child exceeding you in sports as well as other disciplines. This is the natural progression, and if anyone one should be proud when a child excels, but the driving force demanding excellence still has to come from you.
If the kid is a baseball fanatic, you might not be able to keep up with him in the fast pitch cage, but you should be able to hold your own in one of the slower ones, or even play in a semi-competitive softball league. You might not be able to play violin like your kid, but she should see you get out your guitar or other instrument and play some tunes. He might surpass you in foreign languages, history, etc. but he should always see you reading a book and expanding on what you have.
By far the most important thing for your kid to see is perseverance in physical tasks. In the link above, the older teachers didn’t have to drag themselves in the dirt or the multitude of other tasks, but they did it anyways. You don’t have to play hard sports that could seriously injure you anymore, but you still need that competitive edge. Academically, you might not need to read Latin texts anymore, but brushing up your skills once in a while to be able to converse, however poorly, with your child is a huge win.
It boils down to not being a hypocrite, and not putting on your child burdens you yourself are not willing to carry. Outside of failing to keep promises, nothing will demoralize and cause resentment to one’s child as much as seeing her parents be lazy and out of touch.